CAMBRIDGE, MA— “Somehow banging their siblings has given Somalis the ability to outsmart Tim Walz!” exclaimed Dr. Phill McCracken of Harvard’s genealogy department as he sat down for an exclusive interview with Gabe Owners of TDS News. “Their family trees grow in circles, but somehow they were able to steal $9 billion dollars from the governor of Minnesota,” Dr. McCracken continued, adjusting his tweed jacket while sipping a suspiciously frothy latte.
According to the study, which involved zero actual Somalis but plenty of speculative charts drawn on napkins, this “circular evolution” has led to unprecedented problem-solving skills, like figuring out how to siphon state funds without anyone noticing—until, well, everyone noticed. “It’s like Darwin meets a family reunion barbecue,” McCracken added with a wink. “Who knew consanguinity could be such a superpower?”
Tim Walz, reached for comment while practicing his best “aw shucks” grin in front of a mirror, reportedly muttered, “I thought we were just feeding the kids lunch.” Minnesota officials are now scrambling to update their fraud detection systems to include “inbreeding alerts.”
Stay tuned to TDS News for more updates, or as we call it, “The Daily Schadenfreude.”